Taking Accountability for a Happier Relationship

“I” Statements.

Couples therapy is meant to help couples communicate effectively and cultivate a healthier relationship dynamic. Almost every couple we meet with tells us that their conflict comes down to one thing: Communication breakdowns. One of the most important things to remember when you find yourself in the same old fight with your partner is that you must each take responsibility for yourselves. Until you take full responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions, you will most likely stay locked in a cycle of blaming and projecting, and ultimately, the power struggle may never resolve.

In a couples counseling session, we may use DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) interpersonal effectiveness skills like DEAR MAN (because DBT loves acronyms) to help couples constructively navigate conflicts. The DEAR MAN acronym is meant to be a memorable and simple guide for couples to communicate what they notice about a situation, take accountability for their emotions, and express a need or boundary. The purpose is to take the blame and pressure off of your partner and instead take responsibility for your own experience. 

What DEAR MAN Stands For:

Let’s go through the DEAR MAN skill. It’s a step-by-step process that is meant to be followed in order, one letter at a time. 

Describe

Start by describing the situation or the problem neutrally and objectively. Avoid using judgmental language or blaming the other person. Stick to the facts.

Example: “I noticed that you left the dishes in the sink last night.” 

Express

Express your feelings or opinions about the situation using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying “You always do this,” say “I feel frustrated when this happens.”

Example: “I feel frustrated when you don’t clean up after yourself.” 

Assert

Assert your needs or requests clearly and directly. Be specific about what you want or need from the other person. Use assertive language rather than being passive or aggressive.

Example: “I need you to clean up for yourself after you eat a meal.” 

Reinforce

Reinforce the positive outcomes or benefits of meeting your request. Explain why it's important for both parties to resolve the conflict or find a solution.

Example: “I feel much more connected to you when I’m not resentful about a messy kitchen.”

Mindful

Stay mindful of your goals and priorities during the interaction. Keep your focus on the issue at hand and avoid getting sidetracked by irrelevant topics or emotions.

Appear Confident

Maintain good posture, eye contact, and a calm tone of voice. Confidence in your communication can help convey the importance of your message and increase the likelihood of a positive outcome.

Negotiate

Be willing to negotiate and find a compromise that satisfies both parties. Be open to considering alternative solutions and be flexible in your approach. You can say: “What do you think?”

If it helps, you can practice by writing down a script of what you want to say before meeting with your partner to discuss. You may read your script to your partner, or go off memory. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t “get it right” the first time. Effective communication takes practice. 

Pulling It All Together

Couples therapy will help you and your partner recognize and address destructive behaviors by teaching alternative communication strategies, such as DEAR MAN, above. Instead of resorting to criticism, blaming, or even contempt, you will learn to focus on attending to one area of conflict at a time rather than the entire history of your relationship. You will learn how to use objective language to describe what you’re noticing, and then use “I” statements to take accountability for your emotions. 

You and your partner will also practice empathy and active listening to validate each other’s feelings and needs, avoiding defensiveness and counter-attacking. Additionally, you will learn to recognize signs of avoidance (also called “stonewalling”) and take proactive steps to create a safe space for open communication and conflict resolution.

Through dedicated effort and guidance from a skilled therapist, couples can embark on a journey of growth, understanding, and mutual support that enhances the health and longevity of their relationship.

Learn More

If you are interested in learning more healthy communication skills to support your relationship, our couples therapists are here to help. You are welcome to reach out to schedule a complimentary consultation phone call. We would be glad to discuss the benefits of couples therapy for you and your partner.